Hogwarts Tales
by Red Furry Demon
Summary: Why Hermione likes Hogwarts: A History so much? What was the real reason of the fight between Dumbledore and Grindelwald? For what purpose was the Darkest Curse originally created? What happened with Umbridge in the Forbidden Forest? A collection of (crack)drabbles featuring various characters from the series.
1. The teacher with a mission

**Summary:** A collection of drabbles featuring various characters from the series.

**Genre:** Humor/Fantasy

**Main characters:** Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, Voldemort (in the next chapters)

**Disclaimer:** All recognizable characters belong to JKR.

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**/Severus/**

**The teacher with a mission**

**Location:** some unspecified hill.

**Timeline: **just after telling the Dark Lord about the Prophecy.

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"Don't kill me!"

"That was not my intention" said the wizard with twinkling eyes, who had just Apparated in front of him. "I don't care if you're a Death Eater or not. However, professor Slughorn retires this year, and that's why I ask you to take the position of the Potions Master at Hogwarts."

Snape looked as if he was about to start crying.

"I'll do everything for you! I'll drop the Dark Arts! I'll spy on my Lord! I'll kill you when you ask for that! Just _d__on't send me to teach these morons!_"

The Headmaster's eyes were now twinkling even more.

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**AN: Sev****erus ****was just**_** so**_** happy to be a ****professor****.**

**Chapter I - 1/4 upload date: 30 III 2014**

**Next chapter: in several minutes.**


	2. Voldy: It's hard to be a baby

**Disclaimer:** same as in the first chapter.

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**/Voldemort/**

**It's hard to be a baby**

**Location:** the Riddle House

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At some point before regaining his body...

"Wormtail!"

"At your service, my Lord!"

"Where's my teddy bear?"

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**AN: This had to be written.**

**I couldn't come up with any normal title for that...**

**Chapter I - 2/4 upload date: 30 III 2014**

******Next chapter: in several minutes.**


	3. Merlin: The Healing Curse

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**/Merlin/**

**The Healing Curse**

**Timeline: **very early Middle Ages.

**Location:** somewhere in Britain.

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Merlin was widely known of his supreme knowledge of alchemy, transfiguration and spell-creation as well as numerous discoveries he made. However, there was one thing he refused to take credit of.

A mighty wizard. Powerful magic. And a very dying knight.

"I'm going to help you," he said to Sir Galahad. "Just don't go anywhere and I'll try to do something about this bleeding."

He remembered reading about an ancient Aramaic spell used to heal from every wound and disease. There was no time to draw the required runes nor to gather any of the necessary ingredients, though... What was he supposed to do?

Hoping it will work, Merlin focused on the most important part of this spell: the incantation.

He pointed his wand at the man.

_"__Avada kedavra!__"_

It helped indeed. Just in the wrong way.

What Merlin was worried about, was what he will tell Arthur back in Camelot, when the king asks about his knight.

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**AN: Oh yes. According to HP wiki, it used to be a healing spell.**

**Chapter I - 3/4 upload date: 30 III 2014**

******Next chapter: in several minutes.**


	4. The matter of Lemon Drops

******Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**/Albus and Gellert/**

**The matter of lemon drops**

**Timeline: **1945.

**Location:** somewhere in Britain (?)

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"Give it back! NOW!" Albus roared, whipping out his wand and firing the Bat Bogey Hex.

Only a quickly conjured shield saved Grindelwald's hide from the horrible fate.

"I've said it once, **give it back to its master! **_Expelliarmus!"_

_No!_

Grindelwald felt the stick escaping his grasp.

Albus reached out his hand. His opponent had no other choice than to give up the small copper box.

Dumbledore opened it and took out a lemon drop.

He looked at Gellert. And at the drop. And again at Gellert.

"Wait... Did you just drop the Elder Wand?"

_NOOO!_

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**AN: The only reason Dumbledore dueled his old friend...**

**Chapter I - 4/4 upload date: 30 III 2014**

******Next chapter: 25 IV 2014 or sooner  
**


	5. Mr Weasley and the Muggle Thing

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**/Arthur/**

**Click, click  
**

**Timeline:** Golden Trio era.

**Location:** the Burrow, out of the sight of Molly.

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_Click - click._

Push in, pull out. In, out. In, out.

_Click - click._

Since a long time, he hadn't been that happy.

_Click - click._

The rythmical movement was bringing ease of tension.

_Click - click._

Every time he did it, the lamp ignited and then went out.

_Click - click._

He was kneeling on the floor in the Burrow basement with a plug in his hand and an expression of sheer amusement on his face.

Arthur Weasley loved plugs.

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**AN: I can't remember where, but I saw a prompt of AW/plug/socket somewhere and couldn't resist the temptation to actually write it...**

**Chapter II-1/2 upload date: 6 IV 2014**

**Next chapter: 30 IV 2014 or sooner  
**


	6. The Toad amongst the Horses

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**/****Umbridge****/**

**The Toad amongst the Horses**

**Timeline:** OotP, _Fight and Flight_.

**Location:** the Forbidden Forest.

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Arrows and spears were pointed at her heart.

"Can you repeat how you called us, _human?_" snarled Bane.

"I'm sure I've just heard something along the lines of a 'filthy half-breed' and 'nearly-human intelligence'," said Magorian.

"Take your dirty paws off me!" shrieked the Lady in Pink. "I am a Ministry official!"

"Shut up!" Ronan barked. "This forest is called Forbidden for a reason! We don't want any visitors, from the Ministry or not!"

"Boys, wait," chimed in a voice. A young Centaur with silver hair and body stepped forward. "We don't have to kill her, do we? For example, er... could I keep her?"

"Oh come on, Raynold, the fact you were rejected by every mare in the Forest doesn't mean you have to run after humans!" said Bane.

Some of the Centaurs chuckled.

"OK, just take her out of my sight," sighed Magorian, lowering his spear.

"Thanks, guys!" Raynold shouted, helping the Best Professor Ever (despite the vigorous protests) locate herself on his light-gray back.

"Sorry to bother you, my lady," running into the depths of the Forest, he said to the shouting pink form, "but are you into bestiality?"

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**AN: What could have happened after chapter 33 OotP...**

**Prompt: Umbridge/a Centaur pairing. Still, it isn't the weirdest story I've ever written...**

**And yeah, I do have a few OCs and here you can meet one of them, a perverted Centaur. Others include a curious asp - Sissi, Dark wizard's pet named Kitty and a Goblin who quite accidentally got the name Shrouded :)**

**Chapter II-2/2 upload date: 1 V 2014 (sorry for the delay!)**

**Next chapter: in several minutes**


	7. Reading is beneficial

******Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**/Hermione/**

**Reading is beneficial**

**Timeline:** Golden Trio era.

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Hermione Granger was, indeed, a nerd.

She loved books.

Her favorite one was _Hogwarts: A History_, for a particular reason.

Few people have opened it on their own; even fewer had read anything beyond the first chapter. Pity they didn't even know what they were missing.

On page 139 was the last paragraph about the school; then, a graphic novel began - to be honest, quite a well-drawn Werewolf/Veela smut... Sadly, visible only to those who had carefully read all the previous pages.

And the rest of school was wondering why she carried that boring book everywhere...

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**AN: Yentschmyen's idea in this one :)**

**Chapter III-1/4 upload date: 1 V 2014**

******Next chapter: 27 V 2014 or sooner  
**


	8. Percy and his cauldrons

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**/Percy/**

**Standardizing cauldron thickness will change the world**

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**Timeline:** GoF.

**Location:** Little Hangleton graveyard.

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Wormtail levitated a stone cauldron to the foot of the grave and filled it with water from his wand. Then, he threw inside the snakelike baby, stirring clockwise six times - the number of Horcruxes created. Bone, flesh, and blood, you know the drill. The infernal mixture sparked; Harry thought it was the end of all hope, that Voldemort would rise any moment now and fire the Killing Curse at him - when he saw a tiny chink, close to the bottom of the cauldron.

A tiny chink _through which __the water was trickling on the ground._

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Alas, Voldy's useless servant had no idea about the most elementary principles of cooking and did not consider the necessity of checking the water level. Or more important, purchasing a cauldron with a Ministry certificate of safety...

Thus, the most powerful Dark wizard of the century got roasted, because cauldron thickness had not been fully standardized yet.

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The next morning, a headline on the front page of the _Prophet_ caught Percy's attention.

_THE DARK LORD KILLED BECAUSE OF A CAULDRON LEAK_

He screamed. He was going to put an end to the leakages, once and for all.

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**AN: I'm out of ideas for now... For some time, I'll work on my other fic, _The Lord of Lemon Drops_, and see what the results are. Perhaps I'll find some inspiration, perhaps not :P**

**Chapter III-2/4 upload date: 2 VI 2014**

**********Next chapter: ?**


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